I can't pin-point it to just one thing because it is actually a combination of so many things. Things to some people doesn't even make sense to get stressed over; but hey, glad that most people find it small but there are people like me who finds it so hard to get through the day when you think abut all these tiny little things that goes in your head. They're like little whispers that reminds me of things that I should worry about.
I couldn't take it today. After they tapered my medication intake, I don't know it it's getting worse or is it just the same? They suggested that I take something stronger; but stronger medication usually brings in more side effects which can be damaging to other parts of the body after taking them too long. So what do I do?
Another question that I face everytime I pop that pill into my mouth is that, if this little white pill alters the way I feel, my emotions etc, then who is the real me? And if everytime I feel down and pop another one, I feel better and that makes me think (as well as people around me who knows about my situation) that the real me is really a sad, depressed person.
But wait a minute, I didn't even try being myself. The moment something feels wrong, I 'sweep it under the carpet' and pop a pill. So when they told me today that they needed to up my medication, I was overwhelmed.
Will I be a pill popping biyatch the rest of my life? Does it even really help? I'm already dependent on it so how can upping my dosage or changing it to something stronger will help?
Not even after 1 year of having to take sleeping pills so that I can catch some Zzzzz, I had to up the dosage. Towards the end of last year I had to take 2 pills each night just to sleep. When the doctors prescribed them to me, half a pill would usually do the trick.
So judging from this trend, how much more synthetic drugs do I need to take so that I would be considered normal? And what is it with society that tends to think when theres anything that is different, you have to fix it. Fix it so that it is familiar, so that you won't fear it.
What about embracing uniqueness? How about trying to understand that there are people who aren't lucky enough to just even be normal. Forget about being an genius (even those people aren't normal) or being multi-talented, people like me find it hard enough to face each day without falling into pieces, being broken and the next day work with the pieces that you're left with or with whatever you could fix the night before to go on living the very next day.
It's not easy knowing that you don't fit in. Knowing that no matter how many pills you take, the will always be something wrong with you, something broken, something that is just not quite right.
Then after years of being under medication, you realized that that person you call 'yourself' isn't even the real you. S/He may look like you, or from the outside shell is you, but deep inside it isn't you. Because when you feel weird, you take a magic pill that somehow just makes things better.
At one point, I felt so great, so happy; I didn't have the pressure, I didn't even worry. Then assignment due dates caught up with me and I wondered why didn't I panic? Why didn't I even think of worrying about it. I knew it was coming, I knew it was due in a few days; but why the fuck didn't I wake up and do something about it. Instead of just being nonchalant about it.
So where do I turn to? More meds until I forget who I am in the first place or just suffer knowing the fact that no matter what I do, I won't be normal, I won't think or feel like normal people do. Should I try to blend in or should I just stay outside and make sure that I don't interfere in the lives or normal people. I really don't know, just as I didn't know what to do when I realized about this in the first place.
So how many pills does it take to make me normal? I don't know either. I wish I had the answer, I wish I had answers to all your questions as well. But I just don't, so I'll continue floating in this life til I figure things out (if I ever figure it out). I hope I can figure it out, but if I don't, so what. I'll continue taking my pills, try to act normal as possible and shut those voices I hear in my head.
The voices that tells me I'm not good enough, I'm just not the right person, I'm just not meant to have a normal kinda life. Yes, it's self pity bullshit to most but try living 24-7 with someone who constantly calls you a loser, who tells you that you shouldn't have even bothered trying anything in life because it always ends in yourself screwing-up, someone who incessantly tells you that you're never gonna be good enough.
If anyone knows how to do that do instruct me. Til' then, I shall try to continue to push those voice out in hopes that no one caught me scolding myself you saying such things in the first place.
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