Flower Power

As mentioned previously, I have been doing some work in the garden. One of the reasons (apart from Mr White) we choose this particular house was because of the huge garden. Of course at that time we didn't think about mowing the lawn or was it already obvious that it will be in Ed's department?

Anyways, I along with Ed and his brute 'foreign labour' like skills (he was in charge of digging out the grass, rocks and atleast 4 inches of soil) planted some flowers along with okra and watermelons as well. Here are the pictures:

I don't even know what these flowers/plants are called but they look super pretty.

The Japanese Roses patch. Got them in various colours: white, purple/dark pink, light pink, light pink with white edges, red and orange. It's easy to grow. You basically just snap one of it's 'branches' and poke it into the ground and voila, it'll just grow from there. Just make sure it's watered everyday. It blooms under the hot sun, particularly between 11am to 3pm.

These lovely red flowers are the African Daisies, my favourite flower. Easy to grow and I got it from the nursery for RM7 a plant. Not that expensive eh? All I did was to replant it in the planter next to the gate and water it twice a day. I'll post some pictures when the pink/purple one blooms. I'm anticipating that to happen by tomorrow or the day after.

There are definitely more pictures but I'm getting lazy to post it. Basically they're some shots of the okra and sunflower plants which I grew from seeds. The storm yesterday prompted me to move the sunflowers because it was nearly submerged in water. Thank god I managed to save them but my watermelons are gone.

I guess Ed and I have to start eating more watermelons to get the seeds again. Hope you guys have a wonderful Tuesday because the weekend is still far, far away.

End of the week... Weekend?

Ok, it's Friday and thanks to my quick thinking, I decided to go to yesterday's Media Audiences' tutorial instead of today since International Relations is on hiatus 'til next week. Word is that the asshole lecturer I fought with last week is not coming back.

I'm not accepting the word yet but it'll surely be good riddance to someone who doesn't even know how to teach. It's like being conned out of RM3500 and getting something less than RM200 worth. That's how you feel in his class.

Anyways, I really hope that fucktard doesn't come back. It's a Friday and the weekend is here!! There are things that I am looking forward to:

1. Drinks with Azraai tonight.

2. The one day road trip to a destination still undetermined.

3. One more week to go til Langkawi (if we're really going la).

Hmm... where are we gonna go for drinks tonight? Lyn invited us to 21 but knowing the fact that Azraai doesn't really fancy a particular person who's gonna be there, we're gonna scratch that idea OK babes? Don't want him to be stressing when we're supposed to be enjoying. Perhaps we can go to... Crap, I dunno, we'll figure it out later. If not, let's just stick to La Bodega.

Lyn, Mira!!! Where's our road trip gonna end at? PD? Melaka? Penang?!!! Where bitches where? I don't really care where we going actually as long as it will have great seafood for dinner.

Langkawi? Not confirmed but if it is we're maximizing our resources. Zil will be our guide there. We're gonna stay in a cheap ass motel. Keep aside RM160-200. Depends on the alco we're bringing back and a carton of duty free cigs.

God... I feel like having butter prawns... yum, yum, yum. Hope everyone will have a great and enjoyable weekend. *Hugs*

White Pills

To be honest, I have been on pills since I was in college. 2003 to be exact. I stopped for a while but nearly 2 years ago, I had to be under my medication once more. This is one thing that I find hard to explain but there are tiny little things (to most people) that bothers me so much. I've been under a lot of stress but when someone asks me what is it, I just get tongue tied and don't know what to say.

I can't pin-point it to just one thing because it is actually a combination of so many things. Things to some people doesn't even make sense to get stressed over; but hey, glad that most people find it small but there are people like me who finds it so hard to get through the day when you think abut all these tiny little things that goes in your head. They're like little whispers that reminds me of things that I should worry about.

I couldn't take it today. After they tapered my medication intake, I don't know it it's getting worse or is it just the same? They suggested that I take something stronger; but stronger medication usually brings in more side effects which can be damaging to other parts of the body after taking them too long. So what do I do?

Another question that I face everytime I pop that pill into my mouth is that, if this little white pill alters the way I feel, my emotions etc, then who is the real me? And if everytime I feel down and pop another one, I feel better and that makes me think (as well as people around me who knows about my situation) that the real me is really a sad, depressed person.

But wait a minute, I didn't even try being myself. The moment something feels wrong, I 'sweep it under the carpet' and pop a pill. So when they told me today that they needed to up my medication, I was overwhelmed.

Will I be a pill popping biyatch the rest of my life? Does it even really help? I'm already dependent on it so how can upping my dosage or changing it to something stronger will help?

Not even after 1 year of having to take sleeping pills so that I can catch some Zzzzz, I had to up the dosage. Towards the end of last year I had to take 2 pills each night just to sleep. When the doctors prescribed them to me, half a pill would usually do the trick.

So judging from this trend, how much more synthetic drugs do I need to take so that I would be considered normal? And what is it with society that tends to think when theres anything that is different, you have to fix it. Fix it so that it is familiar, so that you won't fear it.

What about embracing uniqueness? How about trying to understand that there are people who aren't lucky enough to just even be normal. Forget about being an genius (even those people aren't normal) or being multi-talented, people like me find it hard enough to face each day without falling into pieces, being broken and the next day work with the pieces that you're left with or with whatever you could fix the night before to go on living the very next day.

It's not easy knowing that you don't fit in. Knowing that no matter how many pills you take, the will always be something wrong with you, something broken, something that is just not quite right.

Then after years of being under medication, you realized that that person you call 'yourself' isn't even the real you. S/He may look like you, or from the outside shell is you, but deep inside it isn't you. Because when you feel weird, you take a magic pill that somehow just makes things better.

At one point, I felt so great, so happy; I didn't have the pressure, I didn't even worry. Then assignment due dates caught up with me and I wondered why didn't I panic? Why didn't I even think of worrying about it. I knew it was coming, I knew it was due in a few days; but why the fuck didn't I wake up and do something about it. Instead of just being nonchalant about it.

So where do I turn to? More meds until I forget who I am in the first place or just suffer knowing the fact that no matter what I do, I won't be normal, I won't think or feel like normal people do. Should I try to blend in or should I just stay outside and make sure that I don't interfere in the lives or normal people. I really don't know, just as I didn't know what to do when I realized about this in the first place.

So how many pills does it take to make me normal? I don't know either. I wish I had the answer, I wish I had answers to all your questions as well. But I just don't, so I'll continue floating in this life til I figure things out (if I ever figure it out). I hope I can figure it out, but if I don't, so what. I'll continue taking my pills, try to act normal as possible and shut those voices I hear in my head.

The voices that tells me I'm not good enough, I'm just not the right person, I'm just not meant to have a normal kinda life. Yes, it's self pity bullshit to most but try living 24-7 with someone who constantly calls you a loser, who tells you that you shouldn't have even bothered trying anything in life because it always ends in yourself screwing-up, someone who incessantly tells you that you're never gonna be good enough.

If anyone knows how to do that do instruct me. Til' then, I shall try to continue to push those voice out in hopes that no one caught me scolding myself you saying such things in the first place.

Not really proud but kinda...

To set the record straight, I'm not proud of storming out of class the way I did this morning. I mean, both my parents are retired teachers and they'd be greatly offended if one if their students stormed out of class after a heated argument. But then again, I was basically told that I was welcomed to leave the class. So here's the low down of what happened this morning at a high school they call Monash University Sunway campus.

Asshole: If you come to lecture at 9.10am you better just not come in because that would disrupt the class.

Me: But what if you have a valid reason. You know, like you broke your leg but somehow you made it to uni by 9.30 still wanting to go to class.

A: No, you can't enter.

M: But that shows that you still have the initiative to come to class.

A: No.

So if I have a medical appointment at 8.00am and somehow or rather I manage to get to uni and at classroom door, I can't enter? Even if I have an official reason? I guess not.

A: I will pin-point problematic students.

Wtf? Pin-point? Is that a threat? A threat most probably for the numerous students who have complained about him to the school I guess.

A: Divide yourself into two groups and discuss about realism.

M: We already did that last week.

A: Last week we discussed your opinion from realism, today we're gonna talk about realism in the reader.

Aussie Girl: We got our perspective from our reader!

M: So why are we doing this again? Isn't this a waste of time?

A: I'm the lecturer, I tell, you do.

M: I'm not trying to be problematic but if I wanted this, I'd gone to University Malaya.

A: If you don't like it you are welcome to leave the class,

M: Ok, cool.

So yeah, I walked off. I'm not proud of my actions but atleast I stood up for myself. I'm not going to roll-over or sit like they do in obedience school. I'm not your bitch confused Indian guy who speaks with a confused British-American accent. (And I don't look like your momma, so who you calling a bitch).

For two weeks, I had to deal with the most patronizing, egoistic maniac there has ever stepped into the campus. I mean, we have lecturers who are difficult to deal with but this guy really upped the ante when it comes to being difficult. Difficult isn't the right word to even describe him. Asshole would be more appropriate. He even told us to quote him in our assignments. Wtf?

For a 'terrorism expert' he is on top of his game at creating student terrorist. But atleast I learnt something about 'governmentality' which was thought in Media Audiences class. According to Foucault (some philosopher who makes my life harder because we keep having to read about him), he says that governments usually have problems in the solution they take to address a situation. So let me break it down to how I see it now.

The School of Arts and Social Sciences at Monash hired this DICKtator to solve their problem of having to replace another lecturer who taught International Relations because she had to go on sabbatical for her PhD. Now, the solution has become the problem where students from his class are complaining about him and how to solve the problem of HIM!

Haih... that's just another day at Monash. Seriously, why did I pay so much for all this crap again? Note to educational institutions who are hiring lecturers - Make sure you guys do a thorough mental evaluation before you let psychos like this near students.

On another note, Lyn asked if we should make a trip to Langkawi next weekend. To be honest, I don't really mind. I deserve a little break - the beach, the sun, the cheap alco will definitely be welcomed. Ohhh... the SEAFOOD!

It'll be a repeat of what we did last November but hey, what the hell. I love Langkawi and the bf plans on going there again during my semester break. Sounds awesome. We'll see how it goes.

Today, I'll end my post with one of my favourite song of 1998. Aqua's Turn Back Time. No, I am not as sadistic to put up Barbie Girl. The song is from the movie Sliding Doors (One of my fav. movies of all time I guess) starring Gwyneth Paltrow and John Hannah.

Okay, I'm bored. Just came back from EPF Shah Alam. The stupid letter that Monash charged me RM10.00 had some random Chinese name : Khoo Siew something. I went back to the finance counter (where I got the letter) after someone from EPF called informing me about the mistake, queued-up in from of 5-6 people and Quentin was nice enough to let me go first and I told them about the mistake and make it clear that I'm not parting with another RM10 (if that's what they're thinking!).

The lady at the counter was telling me to get the letter back tomorrow (today). It's my off day, I don't want to have to drive to Sunway to get that letter and back to Shah Alam to resubmit it to EPF. Why can't you people just get things right the first time? Seriously, there's a template on the EPF website where I can just cut and paste the whole format but no... you guys made me pay RM10 for the letter head that costs about RM0.08 if you order more than 3000 of them (I know, I used to order this stuff for the uni), along with a copy of the MQA (Malaysian Quality Assurance - The agency that audits unis and higher education institution in the country) certificate and a letter that says that MQA has approved of the course I'm taking.

I had class til 7pm but by 5.30 I was already at the counter making sure that the person make the change in the letter. Only ONE yupp O.N.E change which is to take away the random name and change it with mine. Well, fine... I gave them three hours; to be fair there are still a number of students paying their semester fees.

When I got there, they handed me the letter and this looks to me that they just printed the exact same latter that carried the name Khoo Siew something. So does this mean that when there's an error on your paperwork you think by printing another copy fixes thing? The exact same copy? Haiyooo... bad enough they didn't get it the first time, they managed to not utilize the gray matter and the thing that looks like squished up soggy noodles in their heads (their brains) once again. So the third time was the charm it seems.

*Another wtf moment brought to you by Monash*

Because of that, I had to waste my time, petrol, wear and tear of my car, 50 cents for parking just to send the letter bearing my name on it to EPF once more. Seriously, wtf Monash? Wtf?

Well, I'm in deep boredom that I have resorted to checking out videos on YouTube. I stumbled upon a parody of Miley Cyrus' 7 Things and it's LOLgasmic. Guys, stop complaining if your women are taking too long to get ready. You should know that it ain't easy to get ready and look pretty and we do it because of you guys.

I hope somehow or rather I can overcome my boredom for today.

Mizz Keys..

I have a sudden urge to analyze things. I guess because we discussed the term 'discourse' in yesterday's lecture and here I am this morning checking out some of Alicia Keys' videos. I then had the sudden urge to analyze two videos of my favourite songs from her - Girlfriend and Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart.

Here are the videos:

I heard Girlfriend (GF) for the first time and I was in college. Funnily enough, the guy I was with back then didn't have the kind of girlfriend that Ms Keys is singing about but I found the song as being one of the RnB songs you hear when you just wanna chill.

I know that I always put men in a bad light in my blog when it comes to relationships and how they always fail when dealing with their women but this time around, I need to have a sit down with them girlfriends.

In a whole bunch of cases, you get a guy and a girl involved in a purely friendly platonic relationship. Meaning = They're just friends. Then another girl steps in and the guy and the girl starts dating. Leaving the poor female best friend all alone. Boo-hoo.

You might feel like your best friend doesn't have the time for you anymore... well in some cases there are those who just disappears out of the radar when they meet someone then they start bleeping on the screen again once they're single. I have loads of friends like this but oh, well... janji kau bahagia (as long as you're happy).

So anyways, I just want to say... if you're the 'just purely friends' girlfriend don't fret. It's not that they guy hates you or anything but you gotta understand yourself, us females tend to be a little bit over the jealousy scale when compared to men. I mean, how do you like it if your boyfriend is consistently on the phone or meeting-up with his girl best friend? You'd get jealous too right? Well, if you're not; make sure you check too see if you've got a dick instead of a vagina.

It's not like you guys aren't supposed to interact but be more sensitive please. If you used to hang on the phone almost every night, I don't think that would be something much appreciated by the real girlfriend here. In most cases, you end-up being suspicious. I mean, there are things that we girls don't understand either but since we have a more active imagination, we might think or exaggerate the situation.

And guys if you have a girlfriend (an exclusive/special one) pun pandai-pandai la jaga hati. Remember that things aren't going to be like the days when you're single where you can just 'scoot' off anytime. How'd you like it if your significant other do it to you?

And be straight with each other. If you are going to go out to see your guy or girl best friend (this works both ways people!!) there isn't any reason that you should not tell your other half. Problems usually arise when you hide things and suddenly the other one connects the dots (or whatever) and finds out the truth, it'll make things even worse than it is already is (from the fact that one of you guys are lying and that's a big no-no in a relationship to having your girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other thinking there's more going on between the two of you).

Okay back to Alicia Keys. In GF she was fresh, the song was on her first album and make sure you take a good look at her nose! Plus, they/she(/her management?) didn't really show her thighs/legs. I mean there are scenes when you can see when she put's on those red leather pants but you don't really notice her thighs didn't you?

Well, in Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart, does her nose seems smaller? I see more nostrils in GF compared to this video. I guess she must have had a little nose job done and I'm glad that it's such a good job that A) It made her look better obviously and B) The change was so subtle, I didn't see it.

I love her biker chick action on the BMW. I'd love to have a boxer engine between my legs that way... And girl, the helmet rocks! The only thing that makes it obvious that it's a music video is when she takes the helmet off and her hair is perfect. C'mon... where's the helmet hair/head? I know you won't get that sleek straight her when you take a helmet off. It's either your hair is all tangled up from the wind or you tucked it in the helmet itself to prevent the prior and have your hair squashed. There's no way, nah-ahh girlfriend that you are going to have that perfect behaving head of hair on your noggin'.

And what's with the purple trail of light coming from the back of the bike? Did BMW come-up with a very nicely coloured environmental emission coming from their exhaust pipes?

Ohh... don't forget her thighs. I know I shouldn't be highlighting this since I, myself is the owner to tree trunks which starts from my thighs straight to my calves but I just gotta point it out. At the beginning of her career, she didn't show much of her thunder thighs. It was only when the Karma video came out I first saw it while she was wearing that hideous turquoise cat suit. I guess sister realized that it's alright to have them thighs coz most of us have it. Glad that you're showing off what you got!!

Week Two Already?

Classes have started in full swing. It's week 2 already and somehow or rather, I have more interest in studying this semester compared to the previous ones. Perhaps the main contributor is that the units are interesting and easy to understand.

This semester I've got Media Audiences and Cultural Communications Policy; both are thought by Callum Gilmore and I must say he knows how to teach. It's not a snooze fest in his classes because he shows us examples in YouTube 'format'. So before we have time to get bored or before my ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) kicks-in, he'll show a video regarding the weekly topic and somehow that adds interest into his lecture.

Mobile worlds: Migration, refugees and the politics of belonging stems from last semester's Contemporary Worlds II unit and I purposely choose the unit because it's really interesting to see how mass migration or the large movements of people from all over the world effects everyone in it. The readings are great because I have interest in them so I tend to read more.

International Relations - This was a last minute decision. Instead of taking Globalization and it's discontent, I changed my unit to this instead because the unit name itself sells itself to me. The topics are interesting and well worth the time reading the prescribed readings but the only shiteous thing about is the lecturer. That man is unbearable.

He came into class with guns blazing laying down the rules. Then he said that he wanted to change the syllabus and even our assignment because according to him it's considered Jnr High Level in the states. Emmm... hello, we're in Malaysia, what makes you think Americans are better than us. Some of them may even have a problem of pointing out where the state of Rhode Island is in their country's map. If America is so great then what the hell are you doing here in the first place? And don't even think of changing the syllabus hombre! No one's gonna back you up on that because our exam questions are still set from Aussie. We're totally gonna flunk I we followed you Mr Pied Pipper of KREMLIN!

Oh yeah, he even said that we are to quote him in our assignments? I'm sorry, but who are you again? Reality check, you're not really important to be quoted in assignments. Please Mr TERRORism Specialist, you need to go for an ego trip or the uni should send you for mental evaluation to see if you're fit to even teach us.

I mean, how can this guy even be near students? I googled him and found out that he's an expert in terrorism. You bet he does, he's already on top of the job of terrorizing the students. Well, apparently several students lodged complaints about him and during tutorials (yes, Mr Nazi insisted on tutorials in the first week? Even when it is not in our timetable) he was extra nice. But it was obvious or seems like being nice is painful to him. He even tried justifying the homework he gave us during lecture.

Yupp, he gave us HOMEWORK! (Yeah, like the ones in Jnr High!). Anyways, even when he tries to change, you lost your chance buddy. The respect that you should receive as a lecturer went straight out of the window on your first day of lecture.

Oh another thing, when we asked about our assignments, he didn't want to discuss it and instead his excuse was because he needs to know who are interested in the subject and wait for the end of the period when you can add or drop your unit.

Hello, earth to confused lecturer! Who cares about that, aren't we showing enough interest by coming to tutorial after how you presented yourself during lecture? In addition to that, it was said that the next tutorial session only had 6 people in them. Show's who's Mr Popularity ain't the confused macha!

These people need to remember that we are paying students! It's not that we got here for free. If you come in with your military hoo-hah and expects us to do what? Sit, lay down and roll over? Sorry this isn't obedience school.

I'm not dropping this subject because it's interesting and if I have to be stuck with you then you better make sure you are up to the mark at teaching. If not, I want my money back?

*This is just another wtf moment/case brought to you by Monash.*

AA Alert

Gah... that feeling is creeping up on me again. The feeling of needing alco. Or perhaps just the need to get drunk and not be constantly thinking. Not so much of the getting drunk part because as I get older the hangovers gets worse. Miss the days when I could party up til 6.ooam and still make it for class at 8.00am. Albeit the fact that my backpack is tied to my ankle and I'm dragging it to class.

Nowadays, I won't even get out of bed til the hangover is over. But then again, I don't really get drunk these days so I actually forgot how I deal with it.

I'm not looking to partying it up, I'm more of "let's go to Bodega or something and chat and drink". That's kinda my thing.

Hmm... perhaps I should get some ice-cream today and douse it with Bailey's. Yesterday I was thinking of having a Colorado Bulldog (Coke+Kahlua) and today I just want to drink. Maybe I should sign-up for an AA class because my mind is subconsciously thinking of drinking these days.

I need a holiday. A real one quick. Maybe I should go to Langkawi one of these weekends. Chill by the beach, enjoy the sun and the sea, try to forget the things that are bothering me. I may be little to most people, but what's bothering me is really bothering me! Sighhh... the sign of aging, trying to get or experience as much as I could before people start laughing at you and pointing whilst saying, "who brought their mom to the club?!"

But then again, I am not a clubbing kaki in the first place. Never was, never is and never will. I find the whole thing tiring and knowing that almost all clubs in this region is a fire hazard doesn't really help.

I'm paranoid. When I went off to Kuantan for CNY (Ed was in Aussie), I hid the keys to the house somewhere else. Somewhere where robbers won't think that it's there. But then again, if they can break into the house, the can just smash through the doors of the room anytime. Bongok kan? But that's just me.

Another classic example of me being paranoid is that I used to carry a hunting knife with me. Yupp, a hunting knife with the blade made of carbon steel. I was thinking that if someone was after me, they'd better be read to deal with me and the 'knife of fury'!

Then again, I used to take different routes when I walk home from college. That's me being paranoid again. I'd rather take the longer route or change it on a daily basis so that I don't develop a pattern. So I won't be predictable and become a target of crime. Whatever kinda crime that you can commit to an 18 year old girl walking home from college.

I also always text the licence plate numbers of cabs that I take to Ed. Back then I used to text Diana my housemate. It's something that I just do. To make sure that even if I'm not OK, atleast people know where I was. Sometimes I even text the name of the cab driver.

Anyways, I don't know what else to write. I don't even know why I'm writing this post either. Macam buat semak otak aje. Oh, well. Gotta cabut.

My favourite mall here is the Curve.

1. I've been at the Curve before it was a mall. Hah... beat that!

2. The Curve was also my client when I was with Acorn which means that once a week I gotta go there and have a meeting with the A&P people. *The best part was scheduling meetings at 4.00pm so that you can just have dinner there when the meeting is over or just hang.

3. Beef noodles: My favourite food. The usual clear soupy noodles dish that I love and they have a Pho Hoa outlet there that makes my kinda beef noodles.

4. Borders. Need I say more?

I can spend up to 2 hours or more in a great book store and I love, love, love Borders. The selection of books is amazing. Well not as amazing to be called amazeballz but well, you get the idea. Borders is just awesome.

I usually start with the 'What's New' selection right at their entrance then move on to the fiction area. After browsing that department, I head on to the other side (no, not the dark side); the sociology side where you can find books on religion, the Middle East, politics and so fourth. I usually get stuck there for a while because those kinda books are expensive and being the la-la blooded woman that I am, I'd rather read it for free than pay for it.

The last part that I usually browse is the magazine section. I don't really know but I always end-up 'catching' myself picking up a bridal magazine and find a nice quiet corner, sit on the floor and flip through and looking at all the pretty lovely wedding things. I say 'catch' myself because after a while I'll be like wtf am I doing with this magazine? Why do I want to look at happy people getting hitched and I'm here in my shorts, with my hair going in every direction, blemished facial skin. They have on their best smiles, best hair, the most gorgeous dresses and everything looks fine and dandy.

Well of course the bride looks happy. Look at the male model she's posing with. *Hello Mr Hot Model*. She has on US20,000 or more Vera Wang wedding dress. Ken Paves probably did her hair and somehow or rather her make-up just look perfect.

So why the hell am I flicking through the pages of Style Brides? Do I really like to make myself depressed? C'mon lets face it, I don't think I'll ever have that perfect wedding that most girls (including me of course) dream of? You know, the white dress that goes swish-swoosh when you walk by but makes you look elegant, the fantastic decorations that looks simple and elegant instead of gaudy, the nice music (I want a string quartet complete with a harp+harpist for my do... if I ever get a chance for a wedding), the glorious food, the friends and family that matters the most...

Haih... I'm psycho! Chasing something...something that I don't even know what... it is. Sorry for the psycho/emo entry guys. I hate doing it and I hate having you people read it but I need to let off some steam. If not, it's just gonna keep on rotting inside of me.

I want it. I want the dream wedding. There I said it! I want the white dress, preferably a strapless one, or the one Uma Thurman wore in the Accidental Husband. God knows I can fit into whatever dress that I want now (on the account of not being fat anymore). I want the elaborate cake, the kind Just Heavenly makes (check it out, they all like fabulously yummy, sometimes too pretty to cut up and eat), of course the string quartet playing Pachelbel's Canon in D and flowers. Loads of fresh flowers. I once had tulips air-flown from Holland. But that didn't work out not did it? *Sorry for another psycho moment; just bear with me alright.

Here's some of the songs to be played.

1. Jem - Maybe I'm Amazed. Beautiful song fit for a wedding (first dance perhaps?)

2. Nat King Cole - L.O.V.E. No Ashlee Simpsons didn't do a cover of that song.

Haiyoo.... I can't think right now on the account of being psycho yet again.

I just don't know why I do it to myself over and over again. Why do I keep flipping through those magazines? Is it subconsciously embedded in me somehow like "Thou shall always want to browse through a bridal magazine". If yes, then WHY? Why would I want to see dozens of smiling faces when I feel miserable. Am I sadistic to myself that way?

Anyway's enjoy Pachelbel's Canon in D and imagine being at my wedding and having this play when dinner starts.

Motivation Needed

I need help to get up in the morning these days. I just don't know why. Today is my first off day from class and since I don't work anymore, I feel weird. Having this extra time.

When I was working, money was my motivation. Something to get me thru the day each and every mundane day at the Media Office.

I guess it's because we just started a new semester. I never had a 3-months holiday before in my life. I went to work straight after my diploma and I probably do the same thing when I'm done with my degree by the end of this year.

Then it's back to the mundane life of working/pushing paper whatever you call it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about being a student and summer holiday but what can I say? I worked for the past 6 years to help me with my degree finances and it still wasn't enough.

Went to EPF today to withdraw money from my Account B and thank god I have that. Seriously. I was kinda depressed thinking of how I'm going to pay for my fees. I am really glad for a lady called Haslinda from the Shah Alam EPF branch.

I mean, who doesn't dread having to deal with 'government people' or those closely affiliated to them. But Haslinda was awesome. She was nice, friendly and doesn't act like she hates her life, hence make it worse for other people who needs their services.

So on a high and happy note that I managed to withdraw my EPF money, I decided to head to BSN (Bank Simpanan Nasional) to get the PIN to apply for the PTPTN loan. The sucky part is that the Khidmat Pelanggan (Customer Service) lady was the typical 'I hate my life' kinda person. Here's what I had to go through:

Me: Kak macam mana nak dapatkan PIN PTPTN Loan? (How do I get the PIN for the PTPTN Loan?)

Biatch: Isi borang masuk. (which is loosely translated directly as "Fill in the entry form").

Without pointing me in the direction of where the forms are she kept repeating to me "Isi borang masuk").

Well there were only two forms available: A. Form to withdraw money and B. Form to deposit money. I kinda figured that it would be the latter. Okay, I filled it in and then only she gave me a number. Why can't you just give me the number straight away? Is it that hard to realize that there are 13 other people waiting in life in front of me and it only takes about 2 to 5 (if you're really dumb) minutes to fill in the damn form.

As I was waiting another dude came along. I didn't know what he wanted but he got the same stupid ass remarks coupled by the stupid ass face of the biatch that was supposed to be in the frontline of customer service.

Biatch: Isi borang masuk. (Fill in the entry form)

Guy: Apa?! Borang masuk? (What?! Entry form?)

B: Iye, borang masuk. (Yes, entry form).

G: Masuk apa? (Entry for what?)

B: Borang masuk la (while looking definitely pissed off that the guy didn't understand her).

Of course no one understands your kampung attitude. Can't you say deposit form? Borang deposit?! Does that ring a bell to your stupid ass head?

Bad enough the biatch doesn't even know that her information and directions are stupid, you dare look at another person as he's a dumb ass. Your're the fucking dumb ass you fucktard! If you don't like your job, get another one or is it because you're too stupid that other employers won't even hire you?

So you get stuck as the customer service personnel and gets a menial salary? Is that my fucking problem?? No! I got bigger issues like how the fuck I'm gonna get enough money to pay for my own fees.

You don't like your job, get another. You can't do that either? Then you deserve to stay at home and make only yourself miserable and not be working for a bank as a customer service person. God, even if you had menopause, you'd be nicer that the biatch.

You bloody work in the frontline of your corporation and if this is how you treat your customers, no wonder you work with BSN. Other companies would have fired your ass a long time ago. Pffttt... That is why education is so freaking important and it proves that Malaysians (not all, just the really dumb ones) don't really give two-hoots about education because no local bank offer education loans!

It's easier to buy a house or a car than get financing for education. Apparently foreign banks can't give out education loans because Bank Negara said they can't. So there I was, with my backpack laden with stuff for work going from bank to bank asking if they had education loan. None... NONE offered study/education loans. Not CIMB, RHB, Public Bank,Maybank or whatever ass bank there is. UOB has it on their website but I didn't bother asking because there's an age limit of 25 to get an education loan. Since when do we have an age limit to learn and gain knowledge? Have they heard of "It's never too late to learn" before?

PTPTN? They can only give RM10,000/year and my fee for a semester is RM14,045. So multiply that by two and you can pretty damn well see that that amount won't even get me through a semester. But beggars can't be choosers. I'll take what I'm given.

It just sucks that no banks bothers to give you a loan to pursue your education. You got the SME Bank to help with people wanting to open businesses, you have Agro Bank (Bank Pertanian) offering loans for farmers. Bank Rakyat (The people's bank) told me to ask my brother to ask for a personal loan from them then pay him back. Wtf? I might as well just ask my brother for the money but that's not the point. The point is, we get ministers after ministers, PMs after PMs telling people that education is important yet, you can't even get proper student loan.

Well fuck yeah, I do agree that education is important and that is why I'm hitting the books even if I'm older than my peers. I know knowledge and education is important and that is why I joined Monash in the first place. Because it will help me in the future. I pay the premium price now but I so bloody hope that it will help improve my life in the long run.

And please, everyone knows that I don't belong in a public uni so let's not even go there. I'm not demure, docile or holy enough to be there. So why put myself through another bout of depression while being ostracized by self-righteous people who judges people with the 'holier than thou' attitude? I know for sure that I ain't gonna get a one way, first class ticket to heaven but atleast I don't think that I am better than you or that I have a better relationship with god than you because you pray 5 times a day. Let's just hope you bloody pray sincerely and not doing it to make sure that you're in God's good books because that would be even worse.

I'm not a rebel without a cause or even a rebel to begin with. But I do not just conform because you tell me to or when you don't have a good (enough) reason. Ask me to wear a tudung in highschool? Why? I'm just gonna take it off once I step out of the school gate. What's the point of me hating it even more while sweating like a pig and thinking that my hair is all fucked thanks to it. I mean, if God didn't like women with hair then why create women with hair in the first place? And c'mon, only a psycho would be turned on by seeing a head full of hair. Are you that perverted that you get a hard-on just by seeing women's hair?

My hair ain't that great. I got a massive dandruff problem, split ends and some days (or weeks) it just doesn't want to cooperate with my hair brush. Some men even got hair nicer than mine. So why don't you go rape that guy instead! I mean, clearly his hair is more attractive than mine.

Going back to education, yes, I have access to affordable education but I know I'll slit my wrist(s) because I don't fit in. I'm just not that mentally stable or patient enough to hold my tongue to go all thru that again. I went to public highschool already. Wasn't that enough torture already?

Apart from what you just learn in classrooms, you also learn a great deal just by being around campus so being in the right campus is goddam important to me.

You learn about friendship, you learn who to trust and who you shouldn't. You build relationships with your peers because one day, we can help each other or even work together. I don't know, but atleast at Monash I know I can make friends and I do have great friends there.

I still do get the occasional looks from the sponsored kids. You know the look that says, "Budak macam ni dah rosak, kena jauhkan diri". Oh well, thank god you people are a freaking minority on campus and you just hang with your own lot anyways.

I have no problem if they wanna hang together. I'll be glad to show them what their missing. At the end of the day, there isn't anything wrong with boys and girls mixing together. It's not like we're having an orgy at the smoking area. We're just hanging out, talking, making jokes and helping each other to get through this place called Monash. For now, that is my motivation to get my ass to uni. Go to class, hang with the people I love and enjoy these days before it's over. Once we're done with uni/college that's it. After that we all have to grow-up where there isn't a 3-months summer break (unless you're unemployed) anymore. By the end of this year, if I don't fail I won't have the luxury of seeing my friends from uni. Heck, I only saw Usman during the holidays because everyone was busy with the work we got to get thru summer.

So yes, I'm paying a whole load of extras to make sure that not only I gain knowledge by going to uni but meet the people who will be part of my whole remaining life. People I call friends so cheers to that.

Here's a song that brings me memories of college and friend's I made back then who I'm glad still are my friends. Love you guys.

Incubus - Are You In .... P.S: Brandon Boyd is super seksi!